When did I even blog last? To be honest, without looking, I
can’t even tell you. I have had a very emotional and very trying and scary last
couple of weeks.
I haven’t blogged because Master told me not to. There was a
major change that was made in our dynamic and He didn’t want me to blog because
of it. It’s a good thing He didn’t because it would have been confusing as
hell.
Here is what happened.
First, Master and I haven’t really felt a good connection in
a long time. On top of that Oliver does a really good job of taking care of me
and I was considering being “in a relationship” with Oliver anyway. Something
that Master had approved of.
So here is where the “problem” began…
My heart and overthinking started to get in the way. I became beyond stressed and sick. I was in a
ton of mental pain. I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want to be
released from Master, but I was curious to see what would happen with Oliver as
well. I was stuck in the middle, not a position I like, with no one to help me
make a decision. Once I started to talk to Master about how I was feeling, He
became a little more “loose” with me. He told me not to do my routines anymore,
said He thought He should become more of a mentor and that He is still here
with me. He said that will never change. I started to feel lost.
At first I thought I could live Master being a mentor that
but once I agreed to “be in a relationship” with Oliver and talked to Master
about what Oliver’s concerns were, guess what happened………………………..
He. Released. Me.
He told me that He wanted me to explore my relationship with
Oliver and that He felt He was in the way of that exploration. He feels Oliver
is a good man and feels both of them want the same thing for me. Master said
that He did not want to release me, but He felt it was what was best.
Seeing those words in front of me was the most hurtful thing
that I have ever seen. I was worse than stabbed in the chest. Worse than shot. I
was beyond shocked, upset, hurt, sick, stunned. A ton of thoughts and emotions
ran through my head.
I was shocked and stunned because Master told me He would
NEVER release me. Never! He said He will keep me until my ass is old and saggy.
I believed that. I trusted that. I lived on that. That was the end to my means.
I was hurt because I felt I was lied to. Felt like I was experiencing all over
again someone leaving me. Everyone always leaves me. The spiral continued
downward. Self-pity exhumed me.
At first I tried to be okay with what happened. As the day
went on I got worse. I got pissed.
I thought how can someone force me to be in a relationship?
Granted I asked, but still….release me because of it! I did not want that! AT
ALL! I already felt lost because I wasn’t doing my usual routines. Can you
imagine how lost I felt after being released? I can feel the pain in my chest
just thinking about it. It gives me immediate anxiety. It hurts. Bad.
So after getting pissed, I became panicked. I freaked. Told
Master some really bad things that could have happened. He got really worried.
I was melting down. I felt I was losing the one thing that I needed to keep.
How could this be happening to me? How could He do this to me? I felt I was
lied to, and the cycle began all over again.
I don’t know what would have happened had Master didn’t have
had to leave the conversation. I’ve no doubt it was probably best. My lunacy
might have gone overboard. I was in sub frenzy for sure! He told me He needed
the night. He also told me not to do anything stupid. I did.
I text Oliver. I told him that I couldn’t do this. That I needed
Master in my life. I can’t be in a relationship with him because of how I felt
for my owner. I couldn’t be without Him. Did I want to lose Oliver? No. But
after being with Master for so long, I simply couldn’t just be without Him. The
rip of the band aid was too much for me.
It was a hard and emotional night. I felt hurt, Oliver was
hurt. Not good.
In the morning I asked Master what He had decided. He told
me He needed to ask Oliver some things. I do not know much about the
conversation they had.
Then He asked me what my definition was between a Master and
a mentor. I explained to Him, that me as a sub, needed a Master. I need
direction and routine in my life. Just having Him as a mentor, I didn’t think
at this time, would work so well for me. A mentor just offers suggestion and
advice. I need Master more than just
being a mentor.
Then, Master gave me two conditions in order to take me
back. I had to continue my relationship with Oliver, with no restrictions, and I
had to tell a particular person to stay out of my life permanently. I agreed to
both terms. I have until the end of May to inform this said person.
I am owned again, by Master.
Now, I am feeling much better. More relaxed. Not stressed. I
think that the overwhelming feeling of being released by Master was too much
for me. It was too fast. There was no transition. I think I need one. Clearly
after this experience I do.
How’s Oliver? Good. I think he understands why I need
Master, and for now he is fine with it. It helps me so much that Master and
Oliver are on the same page, and all of us can continue moving forward.
I am a VERY lucky person.
I’m glad to be back. To get my feelings in front of me
instead of leaving them in my head. This blog has always helped me.
