5.31.16 The Weekend (not the singer)

Um..................AWESOME!

Freakin' sex with Oliver is SO good. i constantly want more! It felt SO good to finally play again. Oh how i missed the crop!

And we did something new............................ANAL!

Ok, first, i am not new to anal. i love anal sex. But Master forbid it, unless it was Him or a toy, the last few years.

He refused it with my ex boyfriend, too, because he hated him. He likes Oliver. Huge plus!

i do have a few photos, but because today was so busy for me i didn't get them approved from Master. i will send them to Him tomorrow and see if i get approval. It's been too long since i've posted any photos. i feel He will approve.

So....Oliver also used the spreader bar. He did tie my arms up like he has prior and i didn't have any issue with it. i think i freaked out last time because he used the blindfold too. i need to be eased into loosing my sight.

Oh! Ha! i also tried something new on Oliver while i was sucking his cock. i think i'm becoming crazy good at it. Or maybe it's just the cock i'm sucking?????????????? Never in my life have i enjoyed it this much!

If you want to know what i did new, you can always message me here or at lovingbea1971@gmail.com! i'd love to hear from some of you............................................

5.27.16 The weekend

It's been quite a long time since i've looked forward to a weekend. i haven't had any 'alone' time with Oliver in forever. i can literally spend the entire weekend with him, and alone.

i only know of one thing that he wants to do to me this weekend. What other plans i am unaware of.

i will do my best to post, and get permission to share photos with you.

Master, of course, has approved no restrictions with Oliver, so whatever Oliver says goes.

i'm counting down the minutes until i can leave my office.........tick tock tick tock!!!!

i'm sure i'll have some stories to tell :)!!!! 

5.26.16 Rut, but still good

After yesterdays episode with the whole job thing, i got an email requesting an interview for next week. So good. Just get down sometimes with the struggle of finding something new. Some days i just want to scream out "PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE"!

Again, the change scares me because it will alter my relationship with Master, as far as our daily contact. That is a huge stress that i worry about probably daily. Master says that He will figure something out. i trust that He will.

Master and i spoke about this "rut" we are in. Our timing hasn't lined up in what feels like forever. I've had visitors, family, interviews, etc.

He's reassured me that our relationship is okay and that things will start happening again. i look forward to it as i always love His ideas.

Sometimes i still get confused between Master and Oliver, but i know i can talk to either of them and it will all be worked out. i'm a very lucky sub.

i am very much looking forward to the weekend as Oliver said he has something planned. It's a long weekend too, which could possibly make it even better ;)...........perhaps i'll ask Master about pictures. It's been a while.......................

5.25.16 Disappointing day

Not sure if i mentioned this ever in a post, but this year is (or was) to be the year of change for me.

i was all gungho (sp?) in January and now, today, i am simply becoming very discouraged.

Starting in January and every single day after i have applied to job postings. Yes January. i've applied to countless positions. No one wants me.

i know this has nothing to do with my relationship with Master and our long distance BDSM relationship, but to be honest, it's all i can think about right now.

Master is trying to give encouraging words, but i just can't get past how upset i am......................

i am feeling very unworthy....

Bad day...

5.25.16 Back again and other stuff

So i haven't been here most of the month because my BFF from Scotland was visiting. We met on Fet. She is an amazing person. i was lucky enough to have found her. We are very similar as we are both in LDR's and we tend to feel the same things, as well as over react and over think. We ground each other. It works and it's good.

Master said i could put all of my routines on hold while she was here visiting. i didn't really have an opportune moment to do any of them. i was also not myself. my regular schedule was a bit messy and therefore my brain was as well. i was mush. So the longer the mush stayed, the worse the mush got. By the time my BFF left i was so exhausted and confused. i was one hot mess. Aside from that, i have still been trying to figure out a good middle between Master and Oliver. Hard to explain. Let's see.....

For example, Master told me that Oliver has absolutely no restrictions when it comes to me, but if Master tells me not to do something that Oliver wants me to do, what do i do? Understand?

So my brain struggles and i get confused and become a stressed out disaster.

i also have still been an emotional, over thinking mess about Master releasing me. Yes that has all been sorted and i am His, but the emotional after shock of the entire thing still had me rattled.

So when i am in pain, i shut down and try to pull away.

i've been doing that with all of these people that are the only ones that care for me. Pulling away. i keep trying to find something wrong with Oliver, i was pulling away from Master and i was cranky to my BFF.

Pulling away is my form of protecting myself. i'm scared Oliver will hurt me, i'm afraid Master will release me again and i was upset that i didn't get to spend much time with my BFF. i wasn't even doing any of my routine after my BFF left. i was lost.

i'm getting back into everything again this week. i feel a bit better today. i had a chat with Master about how i was feeling and i feel settled.

Oh.....i also haven't had much "physical", and i really need physical! Was hard with my BFF visiting. Had no time alone. So i am hoping to get back in to that routine this weekend as well.

Slowly but surely coming around again....................isn't that a song? Showing my age i guess....

5.23.16 Eh...

Lots of things on my mind. i know i haven't been here in a really long time. There's been so much going on. i'm still getting settled. Have some things to discuss with Master tomorrow.

Good to be back actually. i look forward to tomorrow. 

5.6.16 Still enjoying....

....my time with my BF.

Looking forward to lots of fun tomorrow night! Going to the casino and a show!!! 

5.5.16 She's here!!!!

She is exactly what i thought she would be. A loving, fantastic, supporting, beautiful, caring, wonderful best friend. Again..........how lucky am i??????

i'm enjoying her company tremendously. It's so surreal to have her here. i'm used to seeing her through a computer screen. It's so awesome!!!!!

i feel happy with her around. Settled, if that's weird to say????

.....to enjoy her company more! 

5.4.16 SO nervous and excited...

Wasn't feeling well at all yesterday so i didn't blog. Honestly, not feeling so great now either. i'm not sure if it's allergies or just coming down from the emotion of the last few weeks???? i feel very worn out. But,.....................

Guess whose coming to town???????????? EEEEppppsss! My BFF from Scotland!!!!! OMG! Can you believe it?

We met on Fet, not long after i met Master. We have been together literally every single day since! We've been through a lot together and i'm so excited to meet her in actual person!

i'm so nervous because what if she doesn't like me in person???? i know i am a major pain to live with because of my personality. i hope i keep it under control!

Oliver is going with me to get her at the airport. i'm glad. One i hate going to the airport alone, and two i'm so nervous i'm sure i'd act like an idiot. Ha, i probably will anyway.

Master read my blog from the other day. The returning one. He said He didn't realize how bad i was affected by what happened. See, i take everything that He says verbatim. i have to. For several reasons. i'm owned by Him so why wouldn't i trust what He says, this relationship is long distance and it's all i have to go on, and we've built this relationship on trust and communication. When someone says something it means something and whatever says is also done.

When everything happened with Master, Oliver and i these last few weeks and Master released me, i thought about how i felt about long distance relationships then. i was hurt and mad. But, you know what? In the end it's still worth every single second. i would do it again. Gladly i don't have to. i'm good just where i am :) ...

5.2.16 Coming back and an explanation

When did I even blog last? To be honest, without looking, I can’t even tell you. I have had a very emotional and very trying and scary last couple of weeks.

I haven’t blogged because Master told me not to. There was a major change that was made in our dynamic and He didn’t want me to blog because of it. It’s a good thing He didn’t because it would have been confusing as hell.

Here is what happened.

First, Master and I haven’t really felt a good connection in a long time. On top of that Oliver does a really good job of taking care of me and I was considering being “in a relationship” with Oliver anyway. Something that Master had approved of.

So here is where the “problem” began…

My heart and overthinking started to get in the way.  I became beyond stressed and sick. I was in a ton of mental pain. I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want to be released from Master, but I was curious to see what would happen with Oliver as well. I was stuck in the middle, not a position I like, with no one to help me make a decision. Once I started to talk to Master about how I was feeling, He became a little more “loose” with me. He told me not to do my routines anymore, said He thought He should become more of a mentor and that He is still here with me. He said that will never change. I started to feel lost.

At first I thought I could live Master being a mentor that but once I agreed to “be in a relationship” with Oliver and talked to Master about what Oliver’s concerns were, guess what happened………………………..

He. Released. Me.

He told me that He wanted me to explore my relationship with Oliver and that He felt He was in the way of that exploration. He feels Oliver is a good man and feels both of them want the same thing for me. Master said that He did not want to release me, but He felt it was what was best.

Seeing those words in front of me was the most hurtful thing that I have ever seen. I was worse than stabbed in the chest. Worse than shot. I was beyond shocked, upset, hurt, sick, stunned. A ton of thoughts and emotions ran through my head.

I was shocked and stunned because Master told me He would NEVER release me. Never! He said He will keep me until my ass is old and saggy. I believed that. I trusted that. I lived on that. That was the end to my means. I was hurt because I felt I was lied to. Felt like I was experiencing all over again someone leaving me. Everyone always leaves me. The spiral continued downward. Self-pity exhumed me. 

At first I tried to be okay with what happened. As the day went on I got worse. I got pissed.

I thought how can someone force me to be in a relationship? Granted I asked, but still….release me because of it! I did not want that! AT ALL! I already felt lost because I wasn’t doing my usual routines. Can you imagine how lost I felt after being released? I can feel the pain in my chest just thinking about it. It gives me immediate anxiety. It hurts. Bad.

So after getting pissed, I became panicked. I freaked. Told Master some really bad things that could have happened. He got really worried. I was melting down. I felt I was losing the one thing that I needed to keep. How could this be happening to me? How could He do this to me? I felt I was lied to, and the cycle began all over again.

I don’t know what would have happened had Master didn’t have had to leave the conversation. I’ve no doubt it was probably best. My lunacy might have gone overboard. I was in sub frenzy for sure! He told me He needed the night. He also told me not to do anything stupid. I did.

I text Oliver. I told him that I couldn’t do this. That I needed Master in my life. I can’t be in a relationship with him because of how I felt for my owner. I couldn’t be without Him. Did I want to lose Oliver? No. But after being with Master for so long, I simply couldn’t just be without Him. The rip of the band aid was too much for me.

It was a hard and emotional night. I felt hurt, Oliver was hurt. Not good.

In the morning I asked Master what He had decided. He told me He needed to ask Oliver some things. I do not know much about the conversation they had.

Then He asked me what my definition was between a Master and a mentor. I explained to Him, that me as a sub, needed a Master. I need direction and routine in my life. Just having Him as a mentor, I didn’t think at this time, would work so well for me. A mentor just offers suggestion and advice.  I need Master more than just being a mentor.

Then, Master gave me two conditions in order to take me back. I had to continue my relationship with Oliver, with no restrictions, and I had to tell a particular person to stay out of my life permanently. I agreed to both terms. I have until the end of May to inform this said person.

I am owned again, by Master.

Now, I am feeling much better. More relaxed. Not stressed. I think that the overwhelming feeling of being released by Master was too much for me. It was too fast. There was no transition. I think I need one. Clearly after this experience I do.

How’s Oliver? Good. I think he understands why I need Master, and for now he is fine with it. It helps me so much that Master and Oliver are on the same page, and all of us can continue moving forward.

I am a VERY lucky person.

I’m glad to be back. To get my feelings in front of me instead of leaving them in my head. This blog has always helped me.